You know you are blessed when...

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule.
⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink is the best meal you'll ever eat.
⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
matthew 5:3-10

I have been on quite the journey this past year. It has felt as if I have been on a crazy rollercoaster, blind-folded and for some terrible reason the ride's brake is broken, spinning me around and around non-stop. The controller of the rollercoaster can hear my cries to stop the insanity but he cannot slow down the ride.
I am dizzy.
Weary.
Tired.
Though these feelings of defeat are emcompassing me...there is a sense of calm.
Peace.
Only to crave more.
Whilst I wait for this ride to stop, I am discovering that I am not alone. Despite the pain and unknowns, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Though I may feel like I'm spinning out of control, there is a measure of safety I feel.
So I am grabbing a hold of the ones God has placed in my life and holding my Heavenly Father's hand and trust that when this ride is over, I will come off standing on two feet. Knowing that God has protected me, held me and comforted me despite the unseen and unknown of the voyage makes me humble and grateful.

Hey, YOU.
Yep, you.
The one feeling a little weary.
Carrying the load.
Fighting this battle.
You're beautiful, you know that?
It's true.
And you can do this with HIM.
With His power.
I know it.
I feel it.
Keep going, girl.
You feel like your strength is small.
But it's not.
It's BIG.
World-changing big.
Life altering big.
BIG enough for you to do what you need to do.
Because your strength is as big as the God in you.
~Holley Gerth

"Life is hard sometimes-
crazy, miXed-uP, messed up.
And there you are in the middle of it all,
just doing your thing...
being strong and brave
and beautiful
like it's no big deal.
But let me tell you, girl,
it is.
Not everyone can do what you can do.
Not everyone can handle
things the way you can.
And while you wonder sometimes
if you're doing okay...
the rest of us are just
watching in wonder."
~Holley Gerth

"We can not do great things - only small things with great love."
~ Mother Theresa

waiting for her ever after...

We've all been there...waiting. Sometimes it's for the mundane of life to keep up with you like the grocery line check-outs or the less lovely traffic jams.
Sometimes waiting includes holding your anticipation inside the the perfect moment.
Sometimes it looks different.
Sometimes it's a dream in front of you...that you just cannot touch yet feels so close.
Sometimes waiting changes your ideas, dreams and perspective or those of others around you.

Sometimes waiting places fear in me. Waiting at times has been what happens after I have failed and now unsure of which direction is up after a huge fall wondering when my equilibrium will balance again. I hate it...
This level of uncertainty.
I do know that everything happens for a reason, but that does not mean it is easy to handle or that I accept it willingly.
I suppose it could be worse, watching someone I love waiting for her husband to express love to her breaks my heart. As a woman, to not feel loved by her spouse is heart wrenching. We all dream of our prince who sweeps us off our feet and the feelings of being desired and feeling special bring. To watch her tears and time just blur into another day sucks. To not understand nor have answers nor a clear explanation ache to the core.
So she waits.
She waits for his eye contact.
For his acceptance and for him to desire her again. I watch her ability to love this man despite his response. She would say she is madly in love with him...which breaks my heart even more.
Still she waits.
I have learnt so much through her experience.
For her, she's not waiting...she's holding onto HOPE tightly, refusing the thought of another option...because there isn't one. She may not have his hand to hold nor his gentle or sensual caress yet she knows that when the time is right, he will fall madly in love with her again. Giving up is not even a thought. She loves him. Her hope is strong and knows that her knight in shining armour is coming...if only we all could press through the hard stuff and learn how to wait like her.
I cannot wait to witness her ever after!!!

a birthday gift I treasure

This past week, I had the opportunity to give Kris a break.
To go away.
To be a guy.
A friend. 
Without the pressures of home and work and life that are so demanding on him daily. I know how hard he works and that his need to breathe away from home is important to him.
I wish I could say it was easy to watch him drive away. See the joy in his eyes as he prepared for this trip. I so desperately wanted to give him his request with joy. This is where I messed up.
When he was gone, it was so noticeable. It is quieter...there just is a feeling that someone 'great' is missing. And he is just that! Kris adds so much to our home with his humour, interactions, personality and his love for us.
Tag teaming with parenting, taking turns driving kids places, someone to talk decisions through with, opening jars, heavy lifting, yard work and just a level of calmness he brings to our home made me realize who he really is and what he does for us daily by just being here. Not to mention the stuff behind the scenes working to support his family, paying bills and preparing for our future in ways I cannot. I have huge level respect for him not to mention all he can balance. He amazes me.
I also cannot fathom how single parenting is even possible. It is not easy to balance physical needs of the house, kids (as well as the emotional needs) and schedules...not to mention trying to work to support a family. I am thankful that I can have the opportunity to be at home without this unimaginable stress.
I never realized how much I could miss him. When we are together, it is easy to forget our gift of our spouse, why we lean on each other and realize what we offer to our home, family and marriage...until we are apart. My eyes were opened. Having his car pull up into the driveway meant my soft place to fall arrived.
So today I am thankful, that Kris is home. So thankful for his break, hopefully feeling refreshed despite my failures and emotional-ness in the process. So thankful to have him home with a fresh perspective of appreciation for each other and our family. So thankful for this gift.

thankfulness

I am so thankful...
*lots of love and kindness from my dear friends as i turned 29 again :)
*health and the ability to move and breathe without pain
*a family that chooses to love me despite my weaknesses, forgives me for my mistakes
*for how God works out the details and gives me God winks through out the day in phone calls, thoughtful texts and hugs from some amazing people
*for my husband who works so hard to provide for his family that adores him
*looser jeans
*friends and family that pray for me
*absence that makes this heart grow fonder
*kiddos that are so helpful and so gracious melting my heart
*getting to know my nephew and spending time with his amazing momma...

How are you thankful today?

What your incentive?

"A huge cloud of witnesses is all around us.
So let us throw off everything that stands in our way.
Let us throw off any sin that holds on to us so tightly.
Let us keep on running the race marked out for us.
Let us keep looking to Jesus.
He is the author of faith.
He also makes it perfect.
He paid no attention to the shame of the cross.
He suffered there because of the joy he was looking forward to.
He then sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
He put up with attacks from sinners.
So think about Him.
Then you won't get tired.
You will not lose hope!"
(hebrews 13:1-3)

My masterpiece of Hope

The treasure to have a picture that is worth its gold is spectacular. To be gifted this picture is beyond priceless.

Today I received this gift.

Our oldest girl painted me something worth more than any Mona Lisa.

I don't mean to be one of those moms...but I was simply touched.

Proud of her creativity.

Amazed at her talent. (where, oh where has the time gone?).

Thrilled to see her perspective of the family she has.

I haven't done many things right lately in my mind but she captured love and togetherness. In essence, she took my breathe away. In my eyes, she captured forgiveness, grace and love!

I was humbled to be part of this picture. It has given me hope. A reason to keep working through my challenges.

God is good.

And just like this picture, He is shaping, growing and molding me to become a masterpiece fit for His kingdom!

That is His gift to me.

He hasn't given up and neither will I!