Wishful thinking...

I try.
I often fail.
Sometimes not.
I do care.
Often I am misunderstood.
I mess up and react.
I pick myself up and attempt to make it better. Sometimes, it makes things worse. Sometimes, better.

Sometimes I wish I could do it again.
Sometimes I wish that I could have a 'do-over'.
I can't take back what I have said or done, especially the hurt and brokenness I have caused others. Though forgiven, it's not forgotten. Sometimes, I wish it was. For I feel I'm reminded daily.
Sometimes I wish that people could see me for me, not my past nor personality nor pain I have caused. Sometimes I play it in my mind and cringe at the situation and especially the outcome now...how I was treated and how deep the hurt went.
Sometimes I wish I could say I'm okay and that I'm counselling helped me. It did...that I say with confidence. But I am treated like who I was, though I have chosen to change and forgive.
Sometimes I wish that life wasn't so complicated. That I had a place without awkwardness showing its ugly face and felt welcome once again. Like I used to feel. Perhaps it's because of what I've done. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mouth and not step in when others are being controlled or when others refuse to look beyond themselves. Sometimes I wish that I could explain that I react when I feel the urge to protect others, my family and when something is just not right.
Sometimes I wish I could feel forgiven from those I have hurt. Sometimes I wish that every move, action and word I said today, wasn't held against me for my actions in my past.
Sometimes I wish others could move on and forgive me too. I suppose I'm impatient. But always having this pain re-surface over and over, just makes life so difficult. Sometimes I wish I could leave this fish bowl and feel freedom like God has designed it to be.
So I pray and wait. Sometimes I wish...